General funnies.

[sparkie]

LITTLE "GOLDEN BOOKS" THAT NEVER MADE IT

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1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were An Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster.. And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

[sparkie]

One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[sparkie]

After work on a Friday evening, three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go f*** herself."

[sparkie]

The top six reasons computers must be female:

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6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

[sparkie]

Confucius Says:

"Virginity like bubble. One prick-all gone!"

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine."

[sparkie]

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old
said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be
able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and
it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is
if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of
laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning
at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have
a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me
would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

[sparkie]

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts.

"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. 'Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house."

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon."

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

[sparkie]

Modern Day Scrabble


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:
When you rearrange the letters
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters
I ' M A DOT IN PLACE.

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[sparkie]

funny signs

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On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
__________________________________________________ __________
> > Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.
> > We want tows."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
> > on fire and take appropriate action."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
> > looking for, you've come to the right place."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > My "personal" favorite.... On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome!
> > Dog food is expensive."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
> > miss a car payment."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
> > coming."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
> > your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,
> > come on in and get fed up.
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
> > to take a leak."

[sparkie]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise
their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting
to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like
fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy
why she decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.

The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy
why she was a conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself
and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government
to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom
are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative
Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What
if your Mom and Dad were both morons?
What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."

[sparkie]

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my *****.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[sparkie]

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
3."Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" ?

[sparkie]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY

1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong.

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

12. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

13. And my, my, how time have changed:
Years ago when 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

[sparkie]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[sparkie]

How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages....

English . . . . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South
Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia & Kentucky . . . . . . . . Nice Ass, Get in the truck!

[sparkie]

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You
can't take your time.

Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how
smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second
person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his
place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the
first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person,
then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to
last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST
person?!

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must
be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a
calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100. Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?

LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The
fifth daughter's name
is Mary. Read the question again.

[sparkie]

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I
need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on
the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

[sparkie]

"Knock, Knock"

"Who's There?"

"Stark"

"Stark Who?"

"Stark Naked."

.

.

.

Banned for trolling his spam,,,,,,,,,,,,

[sparkie]

One day, two boys were playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked-there was a woman bathing naked in the stream. The two boys watched in silence. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

[sparkie]

An old man on the beach walks up to a beautiful girl in a bikini and exclaims, "I want to feel your breasts."

"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replies.

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $20," he says.

"Twenty dollars? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $100," he states.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offers.

She pauses to think about it but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claims.

She thought, Well, he's old and he seems harmless enough...and $500 is a lot of money...

"Well, okay. But only for a minute."

She loosens her bikini top, and while both are standing on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel.

Then he starts saying, "Oh, my God... Oh, my God... OH MY GOD...

Out of curiosity, she asks," Why do you keep saying, Oh my god?"

Continuing to feel her breasts, he answers, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $500?"

[sparkie]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your fxxking cat."

[sparkie]

Rodney Dangerfield's - Best 20
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I would have
had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. She wasn't home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on and buttonfell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster anda radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror.... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was sitting in the Electric chair.

[sparkie]

A little girl comes running home from her first day at kindergarten class all excited.

Her mom says, "Hi honey, what did you learn today?"

The little girl is all excited. She replies. "Well Billy told me how we really get babies!"

"Oh REALLY?!" her mom replies inquisitively. "And what did Billy say, exactly?" she continues.

The little girl replies, "Well Billy says that boys have a thing between their legs that hangs down, and he called it a penis."

"Um hum," the mother grunts, very interested now!

The girl continues, "And Billy says that if a girl touches his penis it grows bigger and gets hard."

"Yes, go on," says the mom.

"And if the girl puts the penis into her mouth, well, then, um, that's how we really get babies," the girl finishes.

The mom chuckles to herself, takes a deep breath and explains to the girl, "My goodness, that Billy is sure knowledgeable for such a young man! Yes, the boys do have a penis. And it does get hard. But when a girl puts it in her mouth, well, that's not how we get babies honey. That's how we get jewelry!"

[sparkie]

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT ***** - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

[sparkie]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[sparkie]

Vaseline



A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

[sparkie]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said, "Mickey, I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane."

Mickey said, "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

[sparkie]

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but ****-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a *******ed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are *****s. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.