USMC Funnies,,,,,,

[sparkie]

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

[sparkie]

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's
offer.

One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

[sparkie]

As the sun rose over Parris Island, a senior Drill Instructor in 1st Battalion realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the MP's discovered the recruit hiding in the sawgrass out near Broad River. He was sent back to his platoon and promptly escorted to the Drill Instructor's duty hut.

"Why did you go AWOL?" asked the DI.

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."

[sparkie]

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you
will run into a couple of Marines who were in here
earlier saying the same thing."

So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day.
A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist
deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two
Marines the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator
swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine
grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it
to death with very little effort. Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one
doesn't have any shoes either!"

[sparkie]

Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marines
beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.but, am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,
Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

[sparkie]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

[sparkie]

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In
the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and
without form. so God created the heavens and the Earth. He created
the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce
the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea,
and filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimey creatures that inhabited the
murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed
them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells
at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to
hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns
and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and
banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not
have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved
creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore", instead of
titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flakey creatures of the land, God called soldiers.
And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he
could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too
large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they might
warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them
badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate.
And he gave them emblems and crests...and all sorts of shiny thing
that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you're God you
tend to get carried away).

On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for
which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for
Air Farce flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week,
and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this
theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."

On the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730,
God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy. God was not happy!
So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a
divine creature. And he called this creature a Marine.
And these Marines, whom God had created in his own image, were to be
of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful
uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early
days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms,
so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them
service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening
and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might
promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress everybody!
He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be
dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that
it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Because in
the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing. He did not have a
Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it,
and finally satisfied in knowing that, well...not everybody can be a MARINE

[sparkie]

An American Marine, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very
crowded, so the Marine walked the length of the train, looking for an
empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
Marine asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?
I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The Marine didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
and chastise the Marine.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out
the window."

[scoutsout80]

How do you kill a battalion of Marines?



Throw sand against a brick wall and tell them to hit the beach.

[sparkie]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you've got to read this!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NRP) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ...

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[sparkie]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[sparkie]

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day
is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad
at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound
pride."David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, then
the Marines could blast the **** out of him."

[sparkie]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the
White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and
said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at
the
man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer
resides
here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president
and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked
away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton."The marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been
here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton
is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you
tomorrow, Sir!"

[sparkie]

One day, four young Marine warriors turn up outside the pearly
gates. St Peter explained that before they could pass they must answer one
simple question.

Up walked the first guy. St Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"
The 1st warrior answers: "3"
"NO" said St Peter, "5" "NO" said St Peter "4"
"Yes; in you go."

Up comes the second warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
He answered, "The square root of 16."
Very impressed St Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's greater than 2."
"Yes"
"But less than 6"
' Yes"
"It's greater than 3"
"Yes"
"But less than 5"
"Yes"
"It's 4" "Well done, in you go"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St Peter asked
him, "What's 2+2?"
"5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges
past St Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St Peter, "What was all that
about?" St Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on
earth, and those four men were all officers who have been killed."
"How can you tell?" inquires the angel.
"The first guy was a engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but
he kept hammering away until he got through."
"The second guy was an aviator, who gave me more information than I really required."
"The third guy was an artilleryman, who was uncomfortable with any firm
answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."
"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and
then tore through the gates anyway."
Ahh" said St Peter, "That was the infantry - dumber than dirt, but you've
gotta just love 'em."

[sparkie]

The young 2nd Lieutenant approached the crusty old MSG and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Sergeant" replies the lieutenant, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

The Master Sergeant explains, "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[sparkie]

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

[sparkie]

Three Marines end up in Heaven just before Christmas. St. Peter tells them that because of the holiday Heaven is overcrowded and he doesn't know if they will be able to gain entry. "The only way you can get in today," says St. Pete, "is to show me something associated with Christmas.

The first Marine reaches into his pocket and pulls a Zippo lighter. He lights it and holds it aloft. He says, "This represents the “eternal flame." In he goes.

The second Marine fumbles around his pockets until he pulls out his car keys and John Wayne opener. Shaking them, he says, "These are “Christmas chimes." In he goes.

The third Marine, reaches into all of his pockets until he finally pulls out a pair of panties. He holds them up and says to St. Peter:

"Carol's"

[sparkie]

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
watched as our government underwent a peaceful
transition of power a year ago last January.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as
I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.


However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later
watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One
for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles,
fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had
deteriorated under Clinton. Every last one of them missed.

[sparkie]

One day some Marines from nearby Cherry Point
Air Station saw a boy leading a donkey along
the base perimeter.

They thought they would have some fun with him.

"Hey, boy," called out one of the Marines.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your
brother, aren't you?"

"Sure am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would
probably join the damn Marines."

[sparkie]

A Marine Corporal entered a public restroom to use the urinal
and found an Army PFC also engaged thus. The PFC broke off
first and went to wash his hands. The marine finished in due
time and securing all entrances and exits, made for the door.
The PFC noticed that he neglected to wash his hands and
remarked casually about it.
"You know," the PFC said, "In the Army they teach us that
we should wash our hands after we use the restroom."
"Well you know," said the Marine, "In the Marine Corps they
just teach us not to pee on our hands."

[sparkie]

A Marine and a soldier die and go to heaven. God comes out and escorts them in. He walks them over to some buildings and says these will be your quarters. The soldier looks and sees a lovely little cottage with an army logo on the door, a flag with "An army of one" flying above the door. God says this one is for you, to the soldier. Then the soldier turns around and sees a huge beautiful mansion, set high on a hill. It has rows of flags with the Eagle, Globe and Anchor, lining the drive. A Huge EGA in solid gold on the door. Also several Marines forming an honor guard at the front door, In the background, he could hear the Marine Hymn being played. The soldier confronts God, and asks him, "Not that I am ungrateful, but why do I just get this little cottage, and the Marine gets a beautiful mansion?" God chuckles, and says, "You have misunderstood, son, That's not for the Marine, that's my place"

[nastyleg]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you've got to read this!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NRP) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ...

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Funny story I wish it were true.

[sparkie]

Two Marines, Johnson and Smith, are manning an Observation Post. Suddenly, Johnson starts to convulse, then lays still. Smith checks him out, he doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. Smith radios back to headquarters panicking, "I think Johnson is dead, what do I do?" A Captain replies in a calm soothing voice, "Calm down Marine. First, make sure he is dead." Smith says OK and the Captain waits. A few moments later he hears a shot. Smith comes back on the radio, "Ok Sir, now what?"

[sparkie]

At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

[sparkie]

Back in 1775, in Tun's Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps. The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee's to go through the process. They would assemble later on the front yard. After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps, beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, "Son, let me tell you about the Old Corps."

[sparkie]

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

[nastyleg]

Top notch

[sparkie]

Top notch

Quit blowin smoke up my skirt,,,,,,,,,,,Or I'll require a kiss,,,,,,,,,,

[nastyleg]

get the sand out of there then we'll talk

[sparkie]

get the sand out of there then we'll talk

Know what???? I'm tempted to bring a WM over here,,,, Your asses will be grass. I see that Army button, I respect it. Doubt if anyone else knows what it is.

[nastyleg]

Know what???? I'm tempted to bring a WM over here,,,, Your asses will be grass. I see that Army button, I respect it. Doubt if anyone else knows what it is.

LOL all in good fun buddy. Thanks for the respect...ALL vets get mine unless they fuck it by doing something stupid.

[sparkie]

The Marine and His Daughters
There was a Marine who had three daughters. He was in a habit of worrying
about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there.
The young man says: My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready.

The Marine thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said:
My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?

Again the Marine thought it was cute and let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said:
My name is Chuck, .............The Marine shot him!

[sparkie]

Two brothers enlisting in the Marine Corps were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p@nises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p@nises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[sparkie]

Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose.
As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one
week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose.
"I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed.
"There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot,"one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that
pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.
"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff.
The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded
aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied,
"Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

[sparkie]

A platoon of Taliban's were marching down this road when they came upon a large hill. Then a voice over the hill rang out : "One Marine can kick the **** out of a platoon of Taliban's".

The platoon leader sent the entire platoon over the hill and all hell broke loose, then silence.........and once again the voice rang out , "one Marine can kick the **** out of a company of Taliban's". The platoon leader called in a company of Taliban's and sent them over the hill and once more all hell broke loose...........Then silence... Then at the top of the hill came a lone Taliban soldier all shot to hell who said in a low gurgling voice, " Stop, don't send anymore troops, its a trap....there are two of them!

[sparkie]

A famous Admiral and an equally famous Marine Corps General were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both "eminent warriors" were struggling helplessly in the water. The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.Catching his breath, the Admiral puffed" "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim, I'd be disgraced." "Don't worry, " the General said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my Marines find out I can't walk on water".

[sparkie]

Army vs Marines
Two Army Soldiers boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Army Soldiers.
The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Soldier in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marines shoe and spit in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the Soldier in the middle seat said,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Soldier
picked up the Marines other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[sparkie]

The Girl and her Marine Boyfriend
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last
night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Marine Corps"
The doc asked, "Active or retired?"
The girl said "If he wasn't active,
I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

[sparkie]

A Drill Instructor had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away,
he turned to the recruit and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The recruit replied, "Not me, Sir...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Marine Corps I'd never stand in another line!"

[sparkie]

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[sparkie]

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[sparkie]

A young Marine officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which were subsequently amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became a General. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the new General was interviewing three young officers for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was a Artillery Officer and it was a great interview. At the end the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young artilleryman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, you have no ears."

The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Tank Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers put together. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Tanker said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

The General was impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant young officer, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?" the General asked.

The Tanker replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freakin’ ears."

[sparkie]

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

[sparkie]

Dear John

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him ...

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to all the Leathernecks in his company and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

[sparkie]

SGLI
The Gunny was assigned to the MCRD where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[sparkie]

St. Peter was at the gate of Heaven and a guy walks up. "What were you on earth?" "I was a policeman with the Los Angeles Police Dept." was the answer. "What did you do on the force? "I was the Detective in charge of the narcotic squad for the ENTIRE LAPD. We kept drugs and drug dealers off the streets." "Excellent, enter Heaven." Here comes another guy. "What were you on earth?" "I was a policeman of the New York City Police Department." Question: "What did you do on the force?" "I was the Detective in charge of the Vice Squad for the ENTIRE NYPD. We kept prostitution off the streets and disease from spreading." "Excellent, enter Heaven." Here comes another guy. "What were you on earth?" "I was a Marine." "What did you do in the Corps?" "I was just a Marine MP." St. Peter answered, "FINALLY, someone I can trust. Watch the gate Marine, I REALLY got to go pee."

[sparkie]

A Senior Drill Instructor (Parris Island) wakes up all of his recruits one night at about 2:30, and to see how tough they are he has them assemble outside naked in the freezing cold. As he makes his rounds cussing and screaming he takes out a baton (like police ones) and hits a recruit in the hand. "Did that hurt?" He screams at the recruit. " No sir," yells the recruit. " And why not," asks the SDI. "Because I want to be a Marine sir and nothing will stop me." answers the recruit sir. The SDI walks around a little bit more and then hits another recruit in the leg. "Did that hurt?" He screams at the recruit. "Sir no sir," yells the recruit. " And why not," asks the SDI. "Because I want to be a Marine sir and nothing will stop me sir." answers the recruit. He moves on until he spots a recruit with a hard-on. He takes his baton and just smashes the hard-on. "Did that hurt recruit" He screams. "Sir No sir replies the relieved recruit. " And why not" Screams the SDI. "Sir, because it belonged to the recruit behind me sir" answers the recruit.

[sparkie]

Marine Gate Guards (M.P.)

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide
to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and
taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The Marine says, "You're on
a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car,
you'll have your ID card ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force,
and we didn't know." The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true. "The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say,
'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

[sparkie]

A Marine buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Marine" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations are showered on him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Marine baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

How much does he weigh now?"

The proud Marine answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Marine father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[sparkie]

Subject: Iraq

SEC.STATE Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi news-paper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"

Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are United States Marines."

[sparkie]

Two Marines were having a chat during their free time.
First Marine: Why did you join the Marine Corp?
Second Marine: I didn't have a wife and I love war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Corp?
First Marine: I had a wife and I love peace. So I joined.

[sparkie]

They're replacing 100,000 Desert Marines with 5,000 women with PMS.
They're meaner, and they can retain water for 7 days.

[SMR]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"