Police Joke

[scoutsout80]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman
passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with
my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS!!!

[sparkie]

Another police joke.
Oregon news from The Oregonian daily newspaper

Body Found in Willamette River

Salem - (AP) released Nov. 10, 2009

Salem Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Willamette river just west of the Marion Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive intoxication. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on sexual device, and an Obama t-shirt. In addition, he had a cucumber inserted in his rectum. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Stark]

I have a dirty one -

Man comes home and says to his wife: TODAY we will have rape sex
Where she replies: NO FUCKING WAY
Inwhere he returns: THATS the spirit woman

:D

[sparkie]

Another police joke.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!

[sparkie]

Another police joke

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits."

[scoutsout80]

bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[sparkie]

Yet again

The Redneck and the Policeman

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed
into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and
asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree
outside?"

The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in
heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's
tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your
dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need
bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this
mornin'." The exasperated

policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog
wants to have sex!"


The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go
ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

[sparkie]

Last one,,,I promise

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy *** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Stark]

Last one,,,I promise

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy *** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

lol nice :D

[sparkie]

OK, one more

Timing


A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
and
sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
young
woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing
obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
twenty
minutes

[sparkie]

Can't seem to stop

farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[TangoMango]

Hahah the guys are gonna love these!! You a copper there Sparkie?!

[sparkie]

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

[sparkie]

A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.

He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.