Military Jokes & Satire

[Cruelbreed]

Got any? I've read a decent amount on the internet over time so I figured we could share some funny ones. Here's one,


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

[Cruelbreed]

another XD


A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

[HolX]

here


Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

[Cruelbreed]

It's fun to mock certain allied nations :P



ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/images/axis_of_evil.gif Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."


http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/axis.shtml

[nastyleg]

There were some generals from the Army, Navy,Marines, AirForce in a pissing contest over who had the most hard core soldiers. The Army general says I will prove that my soldiers are the most hard core. He called over a Ranger and told him to go over tothe near by cliff and jump off. The Ranger took off running and jumped with out hessitation. Marine general laughed and responded by having his Recon Sniper pull the pin on a grenade and jump on it. Navy general called over a SEAL told him to swim out ino the surf and keep going until he drowned. The SEAL ran into the surf then started swiming until he drowned. As the other generals turned to the Air Force general told an Airman to go jump into a jets air intake. The Airman looked at the general and said go fuck yourself sir! The Air Force general said now that is hard core.

[Cruelbreed]

There were some generals from the Army, Navy,Marines, AirForce in a pissing contest over who had the most hard core soldiers. The Army general says I will prove that my soldiers are the most hard core. He called over a Ranger and told him to go over tothe near by cliff and jump off. The Ranger took off running and jumped with out hessitation. Marine general laughed and responded by having his Recon Sniper pull the pin on a grenade and jump on it. Navy general called over a SEAL told him to swim out ino the surf and keep going until he drowned. The SEAL ran into the surf then started swiming until he drowned. As the other generals turned to the Air Force general told an Airman to go jump into a jets air intake. The Airman looked at the general and said go fuck yourself sir! The Air Force general said now that is hard core.

lol that was fucking awesome. :USA:

[scoutsout80]

lol that was fucking awesome. :USA:

Wrong wrong wrong, the airman would never have said sir.

[scoutsout80]

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2.You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.You have more wives than teeth.

4.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5.You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9.You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[scoutsout80]

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

[nastyleg]

marine corps rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy seal's rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


Us army rangers rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


Us army rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd lt's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


Us air force rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on hbo.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from congress with a "killer" power point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' congressmen, invite dod & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


Us navy rules:
1. Go to sea.
2. Drink coffee.
3. Deploy marines

lol

[scoutsout80]

Love it

[scoutsout80]

Cannonical Murphy's Laws of Combat


1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they're ready. b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
117. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
118. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
119. Mine fields are not neutral.
120. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
121. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
122. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
123. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
124. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
125. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
126. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
127. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
128. When you have sufficient ammo the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on ammo the enemy attacks that night.
129. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
130. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
131. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
132. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
133. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
134. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
135. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
136. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
137. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
138. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
139. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
140. All or any of the above combined.

[Cruelbreed]

Not too funny but what the hell lol



A US Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.”
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.”
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Navy SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face, knocking him off the platform. The professor was totally unconscious, I mean out cold!
The SEAL then went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Navy SEAL and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The SEAL calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap like that and act like an asshole. So He sent me!”

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/us-navy-seal-tcot/

[nastyleg]

A little boy was playig with dog shit when a 2LT walked by and exclaimed boy what the fuck are you doing? the boy replied making an NCO. 2LT laughed sohard his face hurt.
The 2LT ran off to go get his CPT. The LT shows his CPT the boy who was still playing with dog shit. The CPT asks why are you playing with dog shit. The boy replied making an NCO. The two officers laughed so hard thier sides were on fire.So the CPT runs off and gets his COL. The COL sees the boy playing with dog shit and asks son what on GOD's green earth are you playing with dog shit?! The boy replied making an NCO. This time all three officers laughed until they cryed. The COL gaining composor asked why an NCO son? The boy replied well I don't have any horse shit to make an officer.

[Cruelbreed]

LOL that was a good one.

[the_fat_gunner]

nastyleg i think that NCO that boy was building is your Squad leader.

[greenmamba]

New iraqi town names

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin

[nastyleg]

nastyleg i think that nco that boy was building is your squad leader.

lol ;D

[acf6]

A Marine Force Recon Soldier, a USA Delta Force Soldier and A Navy SEAL applied to the CIA. They were in the testing stage and were given a task. The instructor gave the Marine a 45 with six shots. He told him to go into a room and whoever he found in there he was to kill them. So he went into the room, a few minutes later he came out in tears and told the instructor , sorry I can't kill my wife! So the instructor sent the Delta soldier in and he came out with the same results he couldn't kill his wife. So last but not least he sent the SEAL in. Right after he went in the instructor heard 6 shots then the sound of a struggle. A couple of minutes later the SEAL came out and the instructor asked what happened. The SEAL said well some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch to death!!!!

ps nothing against any of our soldiers but I had to make the SEAL the badass, I was a navy reservist! LOL

[Cruelbreed]

A Marine Force Recon Soldier, a USA Delta Force Soldier and A Navy SEAL applied to the CIA. They were in the testing stage and were given a task. The instructor gave the Marine a 45 with six shots. He told him to go into a room and whoever he found in there he was to kill them. So he went into the room, a few minutes later he came out in tears and told the instructor , sorry I can't kill my wife! So the instructor sent the Delta soldier in and he came out with the same results he couldn't kill his wife. So last but not least he sent the SEAL in. Right after he went in the instructor heard 6 shots then the sound of a struggle. A couple of minutes later the SEAL came out and the instructor asked what happened. The SEAL said well some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch to death!!!!

ps nothing against any of our soldiers but I had to make the SEAL the badass, I was a navy reservist! LOL

lol I figured it would have been a US Special Forces soldier not Delta

[Cruelbreed]

New iraqi town names

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin

rofl that's just fucked up, can't believe I missed this one.

[nastyleg]

good one

[Cruelbreed]

How to Simulate Being in the Navy Some Ways For Old Salts to Simulate Being in the Navy
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!'
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.
34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.
35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.
36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."
38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."

[nastyleg]

Who has a bigger cock Janet Reno or Janet Naplitano?

[Cruelbreed]

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

[Cruelbreed]

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000.00.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said, "Where are your balls?"
"The general replied," in Vietnam."

[Mel]

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2.You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.You have more wives than teeth.

4.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5.You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9.You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Baaaahahaha......I had to copy this one so I could take it to work. Funny shit.

[Cruelbreed]

Stolen straight from greenmamba's sig cause I laughed!


When asked what Cpl Jacobson felt, when he shot somebody ? He replied : Recoil !

[bobdina]

Originally Posted by scoutsout80 View Post
You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2.You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.You have more wives than teeth.

4.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5.You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9.You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.






that's some good shit there

[Reactor-Axe-Man]

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

So very true.

[nastyleg]

Army REMF Rules

1. Go to war
2. Have REMF's make the seemigly impossible to follow R.O.E
3. Article 15 any soldier who does not shave after a 5 day mission outside the wire.
4. Check ID cards of everyone at the chow hall
5. Write emails home about how hard you have it.
6. Use all the hot water so the soldiers outside the wire can take a cold shower in winter
7. Go to MWR and hog the game systems
8. Make sure all soldiers wear reflective belts regardless of how bright it is in the daylight.
9. PT once a week and eat double cheesburgers for hard days work
10. When arriving home make sure to tell the press about how fucked up the war is and how wrong it is.

[nastyleg]

Day in the Life of a deployed REMF
0900 wake up and complain about all the noise the other unit is makeing when they roll out to mission
0930 run for pt to the chow hall to order an omlete with all of the trimmings and wash down with soda
1000 take 45 min "5" min shower
1045 change into ACU's
1115 lay down and take a nap
1330 wake up dust off m16 but being careful not to disturb the dust building up in the chamber and barrel
1415 go eat a double cheesburger at the DFAC
1500 go stare at computer in the TOC
1530 make sure to fuck up all info passed on from you to the Battalion TOC are wrong
1700 go grab dinner chow
1800 go to bed
2130 wake up go to MWR building and write a 9 page tearful email home about your "hardships"
2200 grab a gaming system and play call of duty modern warfare all night
0400 go back to chu, change, take another 45 min "5" min shower

[Woodbutcher824]

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
And thanks for the memories and what he did for the troops.



I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.




ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN .
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter .. on a technicality..'




Gave Bob a sense of humor. Lord, Gave Bob the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.

[nastyleg]

He was a class act to the end....he is sorely missed on the USO tours.

[Cruelbreed]

Great woody, thanks for sharing!

[Bisley_Bob]

Shit means different things to different people.
A squaddie lying in his fire position in the pouring rain would say, "This is shit".
A Para having dropped out of a Hercules and tabbed 25k with a 120lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I love this shit".
A bootneck having swum ashore and tabbed 30k with a 130lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I live for this shit".
An SAS trooper having tabbed 45k over a mountain range with a 160lb bergen in a blizzard would say, "This shit is better than my wife".
An RAF Sergeant having gone into his office would say, "Shit, the Internet's down again"!

[bobdina]

Shit means different things to different people.
A squaddie lying in his fire position in the pouring rain would say, "This is shit".
A Para having dropped out of a Hercules and tabbed 25k with a 120lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I love this shit".
A bootneck having swum ashore and tabbed 30k with a 130lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I live for this shit".
An SAS trooper having tabbed 45k over a mountain range with a 160lb bergen in a blizzard would say, "This shit is better than my wife".
An RAF Sergeant having gone into his office would say, "Shit, the Internet's down again"!

Great one dude

[ghost]

Shit means different things to different people.
A squaddie lying in his fire position in the pouring rain would say, "This is shit".
A Para having dropped out of a Hercules and tabbed 25k with a 120lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I love this shit".
A bootneck having swum ashore and tabbed 30k with a 130lb bergen in the pouring rain would say, "I live for this shit".
An SAS trooper having tabbed 45k over a mountain range with a 160lb bergen in a blizzard would say, "This shit is better than my wife".
An RAF Sergeant having gone into his office would say, "Shit, the Internet's down again"!


Haha. That's awesome. I'm guessing a "bootneck" is a Marine?

[Bisley_Bob]

Glad you liked it.
You guessed right http://www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Bootie

[sparkie]

US Marine Bar Guide

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

[nastyleg]

US Marine Bar Guide

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

outstanding

[nastyleg]

A US Army general was getting worried about the rising cost of repairs to equipment due to soldiers breaking them. He orders and investigation to see what was going on. A month later he gets his report back and is in shock with disbalief that the sole reason for the rising cost of repais was due to neglegence on the part of soldiers. To find out for himself he grabbed a brand new private striaght out of basic. He handed him an anvil and a crowbar. The general gave very percise instructions not to break either piece of equipment. The general satisfied that nothing wil happen left the soldier alone unsupervised for three hours. When the general comes back to see how the private was doing he was stunned. The anvil was split in two and the crowbar was in 5 pieces. The general asked how the hell this happened. The private said well sir don't you know a soldiers gotta fuck with shit.

[wardog99s]

A US Army general was getting worried about the rising cost of repairs to equipment due to soldiers breaking them. He orders and investigation to see what was going on. A month later he gets his report back and is in shock with disbalief that the sole reason for the rising cost of repais was due to neglegence on the part of soldiers. To find out for himself he grabbed a brand new private striaght out of basic. He handed him an anvil and a crowbar. The general gave very percise instructions not to break either piece of equipment. The general satisfied that nothing wil happen left the soldier alone unsupervised for three hours. When the general comes back to see how the private was doing he was stunned. The anvil was split in two and the crowbar was in 5 pieces. The general asked how the hell this happened. The private said well sir don't you know a soldiers gotta fuck with shit.

awesome

[bobdina]

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

[bobdina]

A Captain needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private replied, "Sure."
The Captainl gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private replied, "No, SIR!"

[bobdina]

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"

[Payne]

An airman's wife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is on base. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball."
Man--"That's nice."
Boy--"Want to buy it?"
Man--"No, thanks."
Boy--"My dad's outside."
Man--"OK, how much?"
Boy--"$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy--"Dark in here."
Man--"Yes, it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy--"$750."
Man--"Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."

================================================== ==================

I didn't enlist in the Army -- I was drafted. So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.

During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
================================================== ==================
TOP TV Shows in IRAQ:
• Husseinfeld

• Mad About Everything

• U.S. Military Secrets Revealed

• Suddenly Sanctions

• Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

• Matima Loves Chachi

• Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs

• Wheel of Fortune and Terror

• Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

• Achmed's Creek

• The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right

• M*U*S*T*A*S*H

• Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

• Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque

• When Kurds Attack

• Just Shoot Me

• My Two Baghdads

• Diagnosis Heresy

• Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot

• Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things

• Burka Baywatch

================================================== ==================
U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
================================================== ==================
My friend, an ex-Marine aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.

Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
================================================== ==================

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

So the navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my pecker against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his pecker out and whammed it on the table. Just when his pecker hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed."

"What did you do?" The navigator told him and the captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that pecker of yours. The torpedo missed!"
================================================== ==================
Now that Saddam, Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
================================================== =================
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: Whole aircraft smells like BBQ
S: Ground Checks OK

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano
================================================== ==================

Roger Murdock: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.

Captain Oveur: Roger!

Roger Murdock: Huh?

Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.

Captain Oveur: Roger!

Roger Murdock: Huh?

Victor Basta: Request vector, over.

Captain Oveur: What?

Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.

Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.

Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!

Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.

Tower voice: Over.

Captain Oveur: Roger.

Roger Murdock: Huh?

Tower voice: Roger, over!

Roger Murdock: What?

Captain Oveur: Huh?

Victor Basta: Who?

[serpa6]

gggfdd

[serpa6]

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

Awsome so very true

[greenmamba]

Former President George W. Bush visits a U.S. Army training center and takes the chance to talk with young recruits about the ongoing war in Iraq.

After his speech he is open to answer questions from the fresh and motivated
cadets.

"So, who has got a question" Bush sais to the class

A cadet raises his arm, Mr Bush nodds and so the young man stands up:

"Whats your name, soldier ?"

"Mr. President, Sir... My name is Private Miller, Sir!" the soldier says loud and clear

"And what is your question, soldier ?"

"Mr President, Sir ... I´ve got three of them, Sir !
1. Why did we invade Iraq without agreement of the United Nations ?
2. How happened that you became President of the United States even though
Al Gore received more votes as you received ?
3. Where is Osama Bin Laden, Mr President ?

Suddenly a whistle blow breaks the scene ...

President Bush tells the audience that the questioning will be continued after a the break.

After the break he stands again in front of the cadets:

Where have we been ?? Oh, yes the Questions ... So go on, the next one please :

Another cadet raises his arm, Mr Bush nodds again and so the young man stands up:

"Whats your name, soldier ?"

"Mr. President, Sir... My name is Private Rogers, Sir!" the soldier answers.

"And what is your question, Private Rogers ?"

"Mr President, Sir ... I´ve got five of them, Sir !
1. Why did we invade Iraq without agreement of the United Nations ?
2. How happened that you became President of the United States even though
Al Gore received more votes as you received ?
3. Where is Osama Bin Laden ?
4. Why did our break begin 30 minutes earlier as usual ?
5. Where has Private Miller gone ?









.

[Bisley_Bob]

Ha ha, love it greenmamba

[Markoxx]

Hahahaha nice stuff here guys hahaha.

[Elliott70]

Private Smith was standing to attention on parade when the RSM who carried a cane noticed the private's uniform was not ironed and and his boots were scuffed. He wheeled around to the private and proded the cane into his chest and bellowed,

"Private Smith there is a piece of sh*t on the end of my cane"

The private looked down and thoughtfully studied the cane for a moment and then replied,

"Sorry Sargeant major I can't see it on my end"

[Payne]

BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Our new prime minister, John Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix ise.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up vocabulary).

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

5. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'U and the elimination of -ize.

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect.

12. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

13. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)--roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four
Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[Zulu]

nice one :)

[DevilDog812]

First post on the forums, hope it is a good one
===============================
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local socialite. There was no shortage of extremely young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Thats bloody ridiculous! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Don't ya love military time?)

[DevilDog812]

Two jokes here


A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
and


A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[pincheguerro]

You are the bomb!!!!
you may be a taliban, if ...

1.you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2.you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.you have more wives than teeth.

4.you wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5.you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.

6.you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against.

7.you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8.you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9.you've often uttered the phrase, 'i love what you've done with your cave.'

10.you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11.you bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12.you've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Dagger64]

The Murphy's law on combat hung on the wall of my Dad's office for as long as I can remember. Always loved it.

[Dagger64]

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

[andyedm85]

i ve been laughing for 3 minutes! love it

[Tomahawk990]

The special ops guys in Triple Canopy, the rangers and marines and Xe, and the old cops in Dyncorp were arguing about who were the real badass contractors. They ask one of the local criminal court judges to help. He tells them to be in his chambers at 0800 the following morning to decide.

The next day, they all show up. The judge tells the Triple Canopy guys, to go down to the street, find a ground hog, report back and drop it on his desk. Timers ready, Triple Canopy leaves and returns in 1.5 minutes, slamming a ground hog down on the judge's desk. Judge said that was pretty good.

Xe departs with the same order and returns with a ground hog in 1 minute. Judge says that was fantastic.

Then the Dyncorps guys with their pot bellies and coffee stains step up. The judge asks them if they are ready. They reply that this was easy and they had been doing it for years. Judge says, "Go" and they are out the door. They return in 35 seconds and slam the animal on the desk. Judge says that was outstanding, but the Dyncorp guys brought him a big fucked up rat and not a groung hog.

The rat had one eye missing, leg broke, bleeding ear and mouth, and was shaking badly. One of the guys from Dyncorp leans over and says' "Rat, tell him". The rat looks up at the judge and says, "okay, okay. Today I'm a groung hog".

[nastyleg]

hahaahahahahaha

[LetsTripOutAndDie]

Not too funny but what the hell lol

I Liked it :D